why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
