everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
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The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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