we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize