sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
