Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
