He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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