Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
