He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
