mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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