So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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