Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
