Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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