I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
