I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
