Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
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Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
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my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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