I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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