so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
