he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
