I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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