Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
