So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
