I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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