So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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