he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
