If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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