piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
do herpes really smell.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
