How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
