I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sorry about my life...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
