so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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