before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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