I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
