if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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