I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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