i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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