I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
