i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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