the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
