Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
