Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
