Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
