I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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