Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
