bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
