He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
