That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
