i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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