I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
