I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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