Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
