The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
