How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
