People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
