I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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