Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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