I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
