Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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